I’ve been in a rut lately but I feel like I’ve turned the corner.
You won’t find any MAO inhibitors or SSRIs in my medicine cabinet – once you start fucking with your brain chemistry is there a way back?
I mean, I love myself. Fucking love myself. Don’t all narcissists? Fighting the black dog is something I just have to do at times, part of my DNA like drinking German beers. I don’t want to change the essence of moi.
One of my wishes is that as a society we address and banish the taboo of suicide. It’s been said it’s a long-term solution to a short term problem. Fucks up people left behind, which is part of the problem.
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. – David L. Conroy”
Had a mate recently tell me he won’t be coming to my funeral because I won’t be at his. Cold.
A conversation for a different time, I guess.
We’re all searching for that dopamine hit to escape the ugliness of life at times. The bottle, the pill, the pipe, the needle – we didn’t ask to be here, right? And sometimes, like
Buffy Dawn said, “the hardest part of this world is to live in it”
Over the past 8 years, for me, the struggle has been a constant companion, year after year. The wife says it’s due to a bad star – a fucking Death Star I say!
Maybe a handful more will do me. As HST said “more than I wanted; more than I needed.”
Here are a few things I’ve done to recently lift my mood.
1) Fucked off Fakebook.
Yeah! I threatened to do it nearly a year ago. Tick it off the list, bitchez!
I’m no longer putting any money into Zuckerberg’s pocket. I’m sure we’ve reached peak FB. Personally, it was dragging me down, constantly seeing how other people lived their lives, even if it was bullshit. It’s a huge time waster, too
Your happiness does not depend on what others think about you. They are not living your life, you are! They have their problems just like you do.
I like how Froma Harrop sums up her decision to leave:
I’m so out of there. I’ve wanted to quit for a long time, having wearied of friends’ pictorials of their idyllic family and personal lives. I know for a fact that some of the most glowing portrayals come from (mostly) women who couldn’t make it to noon without a fistful of meds. I still love them, and if they wish to connect, they have my number.
I’m sure people will find me if they need to – what’s meant to happen, usually does. Right?
The outlook is promising – given it’s been a few weeks and I don’t miss it at all.
It puts a lot of shit into perspective. We have been sold a lie about meritocracy – that if we work hard enough we can rise to the top. Once you stop believing this bs and adjust your expectations about what you might become then it gets easier.
So much comes down to luck, both good and bad. Think about the saying “down on your luck”. Blaming people at the bottom of the pile, telling them all they are not working hard enough is total bs.
Stop and think, right now, what if this IS as good as it gets?
You forget that life can actually get worse, a fact I was reminded about recently when I spent a few nights in the ICU.
(3) Thought it through.
No one gets out alive – hence the post title.
Whenever I force myself to ponder the “why are we here” shit I keep coming back to survival. Carbon-based life forms burdened with higher intelligence.
We consume to procreate. Money greases the wheels, makes the journey more palatable. A nicer car, a bigger house, a more attractive woman on the end of your knob, a European holiday every year – you get the picture.
Thinking of Sam de Brito [Miss your writing :-(], I was reminded of David Foster Wallace’s This is Water
The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness — awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: “This is water, this is water.” – David Foster Wallace
Trying to make sense of things can be hard at times.
Living in Thailand has changed my perspective on so many things. It’s much easier to live among people who have a similar financial standing to yourself. Want more of what you have and less of what you don’t. Enjoy the simple things in life, a shower, some food in your belly, a bed to sleep on at night. You might not always have these things – enjoy everything while it lasts, because it never does.